May 27, 2022 – When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron

The Blame Game

“Realizing that their father was dead, Joseph’s brothers said, “What if Joseph still bears a grudge against us and pays us back in full for all the wrong that we did to him?” So they approached Joseph, saying, “Your father gave this instruction before he died,‘Say to Joseph: I beg you, forgive the crime of your brothers and the wrong they did in harming you.’ Now therefore please forgive the crime of the servants of the God of your father.” Joseph wept when they spoke to him.Then his brothers also wept, fell down before him, and said, “We are here as your slaves.” But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid! Am I in the place of God?Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good, in order to preserve a numerous people, as he is doing today. So have no fear; I myself will provide for you and your little ones.” In this way he reassured them, speaking kindly to them.” Genesis 50:15-21

“Drive all blames into oneself.” The essence of this slogan is, “When it hurts so bad, it’s because I am hanging on so tight.” It’s not saying that we should beat ourselves up. What it implies is that pain comes from holding so tightly to having it our own way and that one of the main exits we take when we find ourselves uncomfortable, when we find ourselves in an unwanted situation, is to blame. We habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who’s right and who’s wrong. We do that with the people who are closest to us, with all kinds of things that we don’t like about our associates or our society. It is a very common, ancient, well-perfected device for trying to feel better. Blame others. Blaming is a way to protect our hearts, to try to protect what is soft and open and tender in ourselves.” Chodron, Pema. When Things Fall Apart (Shambhala Classics) (p. 106).

The Blame Game

I have watched families torn apart by playing the blame game. Siblings fight with one another, parents fight with their children, and even distant relatives put in their two cents trying to put blame on a particular person of situation. We see this play out in our society every day. When someone walks into a grocery store and shoots up the place, we look to their spouse, family or friends trying to place blame. An airplane drops out of the sky, and we must seek answers so we can place the blame on the airline, the mechanics or the weather. Sometimes, sometimes my friends bad things just happen. But as Pema Chodron writes, “Blaming is a well-perfected device for trying to feel better.”

Joseph could have fallen into this trap. Joseph could have blamed his brothers for the detour his life had taken. But Joseph could see a bigger picture – could see the hand of G-d in his situation – and so chose not to blame his brothers. It is a higher calling to avoid the blame game – a higher calling but a more challenging road. Instead of blaming the other and making them our enemy, how about remaining open and allowing a kinder presence to fill our hearts and our actions.

In the blame game there are no winners, just enemies and losers. In the game of compassion and love, there are no losers, and no one to blame as well.

Let us pray,

Lord Jesus, it is easier to blame the others in our lives when we feel slighted. Blame makes us feel powerful. However, this kind of power only leads to increasing our hurts and our losses. Help me today to lead with kindness rather than blame – and to remain open to your presence in all things. Amen.Pastor Dave